A Wish And Thought Away

Copyrighted@RobMason2011

Phil sat motionless in his one room apartment staring out the window. There was a full moon about illuminating the night sky and yet, in focus was only darkness. Like most, Phil believed in that promise from sea to shining sea. He had faith, believed in fate and held true to the notion that through his hands and heart, he would be happy. Phil was confident that hard work along with attributes that defined a decent man would find him in his place and time. But on this night, his life availed before him in utter ruins. And although a witness to every dramatic scene that led to this moment, Phil was unable to comprehend how that one way road had led him to what seemed like his final destination.

First he lost his marriage, then his money and then his son. And today after several years of trying to cope, he lost his job. The acute symptoms that resulted from his divorce turned chronic. The building blocks he had laboured to build had crumbled. And after following the directions of happiness, Phil found himself here, in this defining moment. The thoughts consuming him on this night were thoughts no one should dare think. And he struggled to find validation to his life. Phil was trying to find a reason to live. And for the first time in his life, this broken man looked upwards hoping for a sign to show him what to do. He heard only quiet, saw only darkness, and felt only pain.

Phil looked over at the table where he placed the days mail when coming home from his job now lost. "More bills and advertisements for things I can't afford", he surmised.  Phil was going to ignore the mail tonight but something compelled him to go through the stack of envelopes on his table. Perhaps he was hoping for a miracle in the form of an envelope. Perhaps the ultimate definition of despair is defined through desperate acts. "How could things get any worse," he muttered to himself. He began going through the mail feeling both downhearted and yet, optimistic. A rather thick, brown business envelope immediately caught his attention. He read the name of the sender on the envelope and his hands began to tremble. Phil opened the envelope in disbelief and emptied the contents onto the table. There was a thick notepad, a pen, a camera, a stack of pictures and a neatly folded piece of paper. There were over 50 pictures of himself. Pictures of him playing sports, at the local playground, at school, on graduation day, the day of his marriage, and even a picture of him playing with his son. "How can this be?" he thought. Phil picked up the piece of paper, unfold it and was in shock with what he read.

Dear Son:

It has been 23 years since you and I have spoken. But I knew that it was time. I knew that you needed me now. It would have been very difficult for me to explain why I left you. But now I believe you can better understand what I had to deal with and how it took its toll on me for so many years. Your mother just made it impossible for me to be a father to you. And now that you have gone through it, I believe you now can understand. Your life has been a happy one and for that I am pleased and grateful. Every morning I woke up hoping you would search for the beauty of this world. And every night I prayed that you had found it. For whatever of God's grace was left to me, I asked everyday for it to be passed to you. I do so again on this night.

I have never been far away and you have never been far from my thoughts, my prayers and my heart. When you scored that winning goal for the championship, I was there. When you kissed Mary Johnson at the prom, I was there. I witnessed your pride and accomplishment on graduation day. I saw the look in your eyes when you got your first job. From afar, and whenever I was able, I kept tabs on you. When work slowed down and the landlord told you not to worry about the rent until you were back to work, it was I who discretely payed the rent for you. And on that day when you took a bride, I was cautiously optimistic that you would be a better man than I was ever capable of being. And it was with extreme sadness when I learned of your divorce. Once again I hoped you would be a better man than your father. That is the wish that every father has for his son.

I have been here always and never more than a wish and a thought away. I have but one son and he has been the only reason that has forced me to survive long enough to this night when I knew you would need me. Sometimes this world slowly steals what we refuse to relinquish. And in spite of our best efforts and good intentions, bad things do happen. These are the times you are tested. These are the times when you define yourself. These are the times when you lay broken or you learn to bend. And these are the times when you vow to never make the same mistakes with your son as your father did with you. And this is the time when I intervene in your life to make sure you remember your goals, your hopes and dreams and your purpose. And you do have a purpose!

For myself, the hour is late and destiny has finally caught my scent. I will not be able to be there for you anymore. By the time you get this note my time will have come. We cannot always be what we want to be. Life is that way sometimes. All we can do is to try our best. Dreams do not always come true, but dreams can always be revised. You are my son and the father to your son. And that will never change no matter what dark times may pass you by. And dark times will pass you by. I have little to leave you as I leave this world. But hopefully I leave you with the hope that there is hope. And I leave you with these items in hopes that you will be the best father you can be when life prevents you from being the father that you want to be. And most of all, I leave you with all of my love that I was never allowed to give you in hopes you may pass it on to your son.

Love Always

Dad

This is no man who would be able to hold back the tears that were now streaming from Phil's eyes. He thought of his Dad and how he was made to believe that his own father had not cared enough to stay in his life. He thought of his own son Nathan. Phil picked up the phone and dialed the number. A young voice answered. "Hello Nathan", Phil said with a shaky voice.
"Hi Daddy", Nathan replied. "I just called because I wanted to say goodnight and that Daddy loves you". Phil heard his son's voice say the words that every father longs to hear.....

"I love you too Daddy."